Sometimes, a supervisor or senior colleague’s behavior becomes a problem.
You recorded it.
You reported it upward.
They were warned.
And yet, their behavior does not fundamentally change.
Instead, direct hostility may become subtle: ignoring greetings, creating pressure through atmosphere, making indirect remarks, or using “evaluation-like” language to criticize.
At that point, you may think:
Why do they still think they can be rude to me?
Why have they not learned?
That reaction is understandable.
But the other person may not have learned what you hoped they would learn.
Your view may be:
They treated me badly
↓
It was recorded
↓
It was reported
↓
They were warned
↓
They should stop
Their view may be:
If I say it too directly, it becomes a problem
↓
But subtle coldness may still work
↓
If it is indirect, I can deny intent
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The person still does the work
↓
So I can still do it
In other words, they may not have learned to stop being rude.
They may only have learned to make rudeness harder to prove.
This article calls that the “I can still get away with it” judgment.
What Is Workplace Incivility?
Workplace incivility refers to low-intensity rude or discourteous behavior that violates norms of mutual respect, with ambiguous intent to harm.
Examples include:
- ignoring someone
- not returning a greeting
- interrupting
- using a cold tone
- talking down to someone
- questioning judgment unnecessarily
- underestimating someone
- changing attitude depending on the person
- making indirect hostile remarks
The key feature is ambiguity.
If someone does not return a greeting, they can say:
I did not hear you.
I was busy.
I was thinking about something else.
I did not mean anything.
If someone speaks coldly, they can say:
I was giving feedback.
I expected more from you.
You are being too sensitive.
I was just acting normally.
This makes incivility easy to deny.
Selective Incivility: Rudeness Toward Easy Targets
Incivility is not always distributed equally.
A supervisor may criticize one person harshly and say nothing to another.
They may ignore one person but greet another normally.
They may use overtime, paid leave, or leadership as criticism tools against one person, but not apply the same standards to others.
Research sometimes discusses this as selective incivility.
This refers to subtle disrespect that may function as a modern form of discrimination or biased treatment, even when it is not explicit enough to be easily labeled as discrimination.
A manager may unconsciously estimate:
This person is hard to criticize.
This person may spread the story.
This person may escalate the issue.
This person may fight back.
This person is easy to criticize.
This person can handle it.
This person still returns work.
This person can still be treated roughly.
This is the “easy-to-criticize person” burden course.
Why Do They Think They Can Still Do It?
The reason is simple:
The cost of rudeness has not returned to the rude person clearly enough.
If they are rude and you absorb the emotional cost, explain yourself, feel hurt, and still do the work, the other person may experience the interaction like this:
I was rude
↓
The other person reacted
↓
I released some stress
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The work still got done
↓
No major consequence happened
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I can still do this
For them, rudeness remains a low-cost behavior.
Because incivility has ambiguous intent, they can also justify it to themselves:
I was only coaching.
I expected more.
I was doing it for their growth.
I acted normally.
They are too sensitive.
“Handle Your Own Stress”
This is the core issue.
You are not someone else’s stress-processing device.
They may have heavy work.
They may be under audit pressure.
They may be stressed by upper management.
They may dislike Monday mornings.
The atmosphere may be tense.
But none of that gives them the right to discharge stress onto an easier target.
The proper route is:
My stress
↓
I handle it
The unhealthy route is:
My stress
↓
I find an easy target
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I use overtime, leave, leadership, youth, or hardship as sticks
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I act rudely
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I call it coaching
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The other person’s nervous system pays the bill
That is not management.
That is stress dumping.
In plain words:
Do not use your subordinate as a drainage pipe.
Handle your own stress.
Do not charge it to someone else’s nervous system.
Rudeness as Stress Dumping
We should be careful.
We cannot always know whether the person consciously enjoys being rude.
But structurally, rudeness can function as stress relief.
For example:
Heavy work
Audit pressure
Pressure from above
Poor emotional regulation
An easy target appears
They use “leadership,” “overtime,” or “attitude” as sticks
The other person gets hurt
The rude person feels like they “said what needed to be said”
This is not management.
It is stress dumping.
Why Recording and Reporting May Not Fix It
If the person has low self-awareness, they may not learn the right lesson.
The correct lesson would be:
I may have been harsh only to certain people.
My standards may have been vague.
I should stop ignoring or pressuring people.
I should apply consistent criteria.
But the lesson they actually learn may be:
If I say it directly, it gets escalated.
So I should be more subtle.
I should use atmosphere instead of direct words.
Ignoring someone is easier to deny.
Indirect remarks are harder to prove.
This is not reflection.
It is avoidance learning.
Create a Cost System for Rudeness
The solution is not to physically punish them.
It is not revenge.
The solution is to stop offering free emotional processing.
When rudeness appears, switch automatically into administrative mode.
Rudeness occurs
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Do not absorb it emotionally
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Return to work-related clarification
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Ask for specifics
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Record it
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End the contact
This is a cost system for rudeness.
Useful phrases:
If this is necessary for work, please specify the concrete action required.
If this concerns evaluation criteria, please provide specific examples.
Should I understand this as a work instruction?
Understood. I will handle only the necessary items.
The Goal
The goal is not to punish the other person.
The goal is to stop giving free access to your nervous system.
Without a cost system:
They are rude
↓
You get hurt
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You explain
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You worry
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You reflect
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They are not inconvenienced much
With a cost system:
They are rude
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You do not emotionally process it
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You convert it into work clarification
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They must specify
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It gets recorded
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The contact ends
This reduces the benefit of rudeness and protects your own energy.
Conclusion
Workplace incivility is low-intensity, ambiguous, and easy to deny.
That is why it often targets people who are easy to criticize.
That is why the rude person may still think they can get away with it.
That is why it drains the target’s nervous system.
But you are not their stress drainage system.
Handle your own stress.
Do not charge it to someone else’s nervous system.
When rudeness appears, do not process it emotionally.
Clarify the work issue.
Ask for specifics.
Record it.
End the contact.
That is the cost system for rudeness.
In one line:
Do not think you can still get away with it. From here on, rudeness triggers administrative electricity.
References / Research Notes
- Andersson, L. M., & Pearson, C. M. (1999). Workplace incivility definition: low-intensity deviant behavior with ambiguous intent to harm, violating workplace norms of mutual respect.
- Torkelson et al. (2016). Factors contributing to the perpetration of workplace incivility.
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4867854/ - Cortina et al. (2011/2013). Selective incivility as modern discrimination in organizations.
https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0149206311418835 - Yaqoob et al. (2025). Why, how, and when incivility unfolds in the workplace: review of antecedents including individual traits, occupational stressors, leadership, and organizational factors.
https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11301-025-00525-5 - Fida et al. (2018). Negative emotions and moral disengagement in workplace aggression paths.
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5958226/ - QIC-WD Workplace Incivility summary.
https://www.qic-wd.org/umbrella-summary/workplace-incivility
