“Do I date the person I like, or the person who likes me? Romance is an either-or choice.”
It sounds philosophical until somebody asks:
“Why are both options one-sided?”
Exactly. The binary quietly deletes the outcome most people probably want: I like them, and they like me. Somewhere in the distance, Tetsuya Takeda seems to be warming up for a full-speed “What it means to be human…” lecture.
Research suggests three things matter early on: how easily I tend to like people, how widely the other person is liked, and how much I like this particular person.
The choice can be real while you do not yet know whether you both feel the same way. It just does not describe every relationship.
1. The Binary Deletes a Quadrant Before the Debate Starts
Two directional questions already create four states.
| They like me | They do not particularly like me | |
|---|---|---|
| I like them | Mutual attraction | My unrequited interest |
| I do not particularly like them | They like me, but I do not reciprocate | No mutual match |
“The person I like” and “the person who likes me” focus on the two asymmetric cells. But mutual attraction was on the board from the beginning.
This is less “ramen or curry?” and more deleting the two-way road from the map and asking which one-way street defines transportation.
Mutual liking is not secret DLC. It ships with the base game.
2. Research Does Not Reduce Attraction to One Popularity Ranking
A 2022 PNAS paper combined three speed-dating studies: 559 participants, more than 6,600 dates, and over 6,100 follow-up reports. Initial desire was partitioned into:
- How easily I like people: how easily someone tends to develop feelings for other people.
- How widely the other person is liked: how many other people tend to like that person.
- How much I like this particular person: how much a person uniquely likes this specific partner beyond those general tendencies.
What especially helped predict later interest, contact, and actual dates was how widely the person was liked and how much these two particular people liked each other.
Someone everyone likes is not necessarily the person you happen to like most.
A 2009 speed-dating study also distinguished these three parts and found some support for the tendency to like someone who likes you.
3. Being Liked Does Not Automatically Install Love
“Then just like the person who likes you” sounds efficient. Unfortunately, humans do not have:
[LIKED BY SOMEONE] → [INSTALL ROMANTIC FEELINGS]
Knowing someone likes you can help your feelings grow. But someone who is friendly to everyone feels different from someone who likes you in particular.
Being liked can help attraction grow. It cannot be commanded into existence.
4. Why Do the Two Arrows Miss Each Other So Often?
Mutual attraction requires:
Me → A and A → Me
Two choices must intersect. Unrequited attraction requires only one.
In a 2018 study of heterosexual users in four U.S. cities, men and women sent messages to people whose score was, on average, about 25% higher than their own. Researchers built this score from who received messages from whom; it was not an objective rating of anyone’s worth or attractiveness. Larger gaps were associated with fewer replies.
This is not a universal law; it is context-specific evidence from a particular U.S. service, period, cities, and heterosexual market.
But the mechanism is intuitive. If many people point somewhat “upward,” the person I desire and the person who desires me will often be different people.
Mutual attraction does exist. But the person you like also has to like you, which adds a condition that a one-sided crush does not have.
5. Why Choosing “The Person Who Likes Me” Can Feel Rational
Pursuing someone who strongly attracts you involves uncertainty. Someone whose interest is already visible can feel safer.
A 2013 series of studies found that people more afraid of being single were more likely to show interest in someone who responded less thoughtfully or whom they found less attractive. In speed dating, they also expressed interest in a wider range of people.
That does not mean “choosing someone who likes you = settling.” Safety, responsiveness, respect, lifestyle compatibility, and willingness to build a relationship can be legitimate priorities, and attraction can grow.
A correction published in 2018 changed the explanation of what Study 3 of the 2013 paper measured and how. It did not withdraw the paper’s overall conclusions; the references include the correction too.
6. What the Binary Gets Right — and What It Misses
Before you know whether you both feel the same way, you may wonder whether to pursue someone you really like or get to know someone who already likes you.
You do not have to feel equally strongly from the first day. Feelings can start on one side and grow on the other.
So this choice can be a real dilemma while you do not yet know whether you both feel the same way.
It is not just “Who do I choose?” The other person is choosing too. And whether we get along depends on us, not just on how popular either of us is.
So I need to meet someone I can like, who can also like me. Both feelings need to point to the same person.
7. Is It Fair to Date Someone Only Because They Like You?
Someone liking you does not mean you have to like them back.
But distinguish:
- “I am not intensely in love yet, but I want to know them better.”
- “I do not see them romantically and do not expect that to change.”
The first can be a reasonable beginning. In the second, using the other person’s affection mainly as a safety device can consume their time and expectations.
The key is not whether both start at 100/100 intensity. It is whether both genuinely want to explore or build the relationship without disguising an absence of interest.
8. Conclusion: Do Not Delete Mutual Attraction Before Starting the Philosophy
A more precise version of the original question is:
When mutual attraction has not yet formed or been confirmed, should I pursue someone I strongly desire, or develop the possibility with someone who already desires me?
That is a real question.
But “the person I like vs. the person who likes me — romance is an either-or choice” immediately invites:
“Where did the case where both people like each other go?”
Some crushes stay one-sided. Sometimes being liked helps you like someone back. A person can be popular with everyone or especially appealing to you. You can aim a little too high and miss each other, or choose someone whose feelings already seem clearer.
All can be true at once.
Mutual liking is not DLC. It was in the base game.
And if you remove it before beginning your grand theory of love, somewhere in the distance Tetsuya Takeda starts sprinting.
9. Limitations and References
Much of the evidence comes from speed dating and online dating. Some samples are Western, U.S.-based, young, or predominantly heterosexual. The 2022 work includes a sample of men who date men, but the findings should not be treated as universal across cultures, orientations, ages, and relationship stages. Observational dating-market data also do not prove strong causal claims by themselves.
At least, “the person I like or the person who likes me” cannot explain everything. Sometimes both people like each other.
- Eastwick, P. W., et al. (2022). Initial impressions of compatibility and mate value predict later dating and romantic interest. PNAS, 119(45), e2206925119. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.2206925119
- Luo, S., & Zhang, G. (2009). What leads to romantic attraction: similarity, reciprocity, security, or beauty? Evidence from a speed-dating study. Journal of Personality, 77(4), 933–964. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-6494.2009.00570.x
- Bruch, E. E., & Newman, M. E. J. (2018). Aspirational pursuit of mates in online dating markets. Science Advances, 4(8), eaap9815. https://doi.org/10.1126/sciadv.aap9815
- Spielmann, S. S., et al. (2013). Settling for less out of fear of being single. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 105(6), 1049–1073. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0034628
- Spielmann, S. S., et al. (2018). Correction to “Settling for less out of fear of being single.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 115(5), 804. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspp0000227
