Not having a topic is different from not being able to have a conversation
Someone suddenly says, “Tell us something,” and you’re stuck. You don’t know what to talk about. Reading from a script in front of other people feels hard, too. After enough moments like these, it’s easy to conclude that you’re bad at thinking on your feet in conversation.
Yet when someone else starts talking, you can ask about something that catches your interest. As you listen to an explanation, you can connect it to a familiar example. A particular word gives you something to pick up on, and the conversation grows from there. If you recognize these moments, it may help to distinguish between coming up with a topic and responding to what someone has offered.
Keeping a stream of new topics going isn’t the only conversational skill. Finding a small opening in someone’s words that leads to the next part of the conversation is another. This article calls that opening a “hook.”
Thinking “It’s easier for me to talk when I pick up on a hook” can help you find a starting point that suits you. How comfortable a conversation feels also depends on the setting and the person you’re with.
“I’ve watched the same film eight times” is already a starting point
One conversation that got me thinking about this difference was with someone who had watched the same film eight times. There’s nothing wrong with replying, “Wow,” or “You must really like it.” But if you’d like to know a little more, you can pick up on those “eight times.” Here are some things you might ask.
- What makes you want to watch it again and again?
- Do you focus on something different each time?
- Are the promotional giveaways part of the fun, too?
- Is it a way of cheering on your favorite character?
- Has your impression of anything changed since the first time?
You don’t need to ask all of these in a row. Choose one you’re genuinely curious about, then listen to the answer. The conversation moves from the number eight to what the other person enjoys.
This person told me they watched from a different character’s perspective each time. So I asked, “How many players are there in volleyball again?” They answered, “Six.”
“So whose perspective are the other two viewings from? The teacher’s?”
I hadn’t seen the film myself. Even so, the combination of watching eight times, switching perspectives, and six volleyball players gave me a playful reply. I hadn’t come with a topic prepared. We made the conversation together in the moment, as I listened to what they were saying.
Of course, six is the number of players each team has on court in six-player volleyball, not a limit on the number of characters or perspectives. This is a light joke between people who can share a laugh, rather than an objection to someone’s arithmetic. If the joke doesn’t seem likely to land, you can simply ask, “Whose perspective was the most interesting to watch from?”
Pick up on what you want to hear more about, rather than collecting clues to analyze someone
Numbers aren’t the only openings. Words such as “again and again,” “for the first time,” “more than I expected,” or “surprisingly,” as well as the parts someone sounds a little excited about, can give you a starting point.
If they say, “I traveled on my own for the first time,” you could ask, “What felt different about going alone?” If they say, “The game was harder than I expected,” you could ask, “Was it the controls, or figuring out a strategy?” Respond to their words by adding one thing you’d like to know.
The point isn’t to investigate someone with an endless series of questions. Take in their answer and offer a brief reaction of your own. Something like “So the same scene looks different depending on how you watch it. That makes me want to watch it again” helps keep the exchange from becoming questions alone.
Of course, you don’t need to invent a reaction you don’t actually feel. If they don’t seem to want to talk about it, don’t keep digging. It’s fine to change the subject or spend a little time in silence. It’s also worth noticing whether the other person is always the one expected to supply a topic.
Time spent not speaking is part of a conversation, too
Some people participate online mainly by reading, a role sometimes called “ROM” or lurking. Nielsen Norman Group’s “90-9-1 rule” is a rough way of describing unequal participation online: many mainly read, while a small number produce much of the content. These aren’t exact proportions or a measure of face-to-face conversational skills. Still, they can suggest a useful thought: how much we put out there isn’t the only way to look at participation.
Conversations can include time to listen, time to think, and time to speak. Some people often introduce topics, some have more to say when something interests them, and some listen before speaking. Rather than sorting people into fixed types, it’s more useful to see these as ways of taking part that depend on the setting and the person we’re with.
When explaining something, first ask about the world the other person knows
Picking up on conversational openings can help with explanations as well as small talk. Questions such as “How much do you already know about this?” and “Have you had a similar experience?” let you use something the other person already knows as a starting point.
For example, even a single topic such as dividing up work can have different entry points.
- For someone with part-time job experience: who makes the shift schedule, or whom to check with when there’s a problem at the register
- For someone with school club or team experience: how roles are divided, or which decisions newer and more experienced members can make
- For someone who plays games: rules, strategies for winning, actions to avoid, and how to use limited resources
- For someone involved in fandom: deciding what to collect first, trading items, enjoying a different perspective, and allocating time or money
School, work, family, shopping, and using apps can also provide examples. But check with the person rather than deciding, based on their age or appearance, that they must know about gaming, for instance.
Imagine looking for a shelf that’s already in their mind and trying to place a new piece of information on it. The shelf is a metaphor. Using an analogy doesn’t guarantee understanding.
If you compare work to a game, for example, you can also point out where the comparison stops: “Both involve deciding what to do first when time is limited, but at work we can’t skip safety checks or approvals.” Ask, “Does that comparison fit your experience?” If it doesn’t, try another example or return to the original explanation.
A group’s own experiences can also be a starting point
Some people find it difficult to speak when they’re simply reading a textbook or script aloud, with little room to adjust to the audience’s reactions. In that situation, one option is to begin with a brief connection to the listeners’ experiences.
“Have you ever been unsure who to check with at a part-time job or in a school club?”
“If you applied this explanation to your own work, which situation would be the closest match?”
Start with a question like this and, if someone answers, use it to move into the main topic. Let people who don’t want to answer in public know that they can just think about it. There’s no need to make anyone share a mistake, a complaint about their manager, or a private family situation.
One possible structure has five steps.
- Ask about an experience the listeners can easily picture.
- Briefly draw out what the experiences shared have in common.
- Connect that to today’s topic.
- Explain the criteria they can use to make decisions in that situation.
- Finish by returning to how they would use this in their own setting.
For instance, a story about getting stuck because someone didn’t know whom to ask can lead into clarifying roles and points of contact. At the end, return to the listeners with “If you’re unsure tomorrow, who will you check with?” If nobody answers, you can continue with a fictional example you’ve prepared. The explanation doesn’t have to depend on getting a response.
In their 2014 meta-analysis, Freeman and colleagues compared classes involving active student participation with traditional lectures in undergraduate STEM subjects (science, technology, engineering, and mathematics). On average, they reported higher exam performance and lower failure rates in the former. Research on university teaching doesn’t, however, guarantee the same effects in small talk or workplace explanations. The study didn’t test the five steps or the use of humor described here, either.
Rather than throwing away the script, decide what to keep and what to adapt
Even if responding to others comes more naturally, scripts and textbooks don’t become unnecessary. Some facts must be communicated accurately, some procedures must follow a particular order, and some material needs to fit within the time available.
Decide on the essential points first, then leave room to change the examples and questions between them. Separating the parts you’ll read, the parts where you’ll ask a question, and the parts where you’ll respond to listeners makes it easier to combine a script with conversation.
If the discussion goes off track, it’s fine to say, “I’d like to come back to that, so let’s cover today’s main points first.” Picking up on someone’s words doesn’t mean following every topic all the way to its end.
Checking what the other person understands can also be useful in interviews, handovers, customer service, and introductory guidance when someone starts using a product or service. Keep the purpose of each setting, confidentiality, and required explanations in mind. Rather than assuming that translating an idea into their world means they’ve understood, check what actually came across.
Find one starting point that works for you
You may struggle to produce a series of topics from nowhere yet find it easier to talk when you pick up on someone else’s words. Noticing that gives you something to work with as you try different ways of having a conversation.
Listen to what the other person says. Pick up on a phrase that interests you. Ask about what you don’t understand. Use a familiar example if it seems to fit, and change it if it doesn’t. When you spot a funny combination of ideas, offer a small joke if you think the other person would enjoy it.
You can practice introducing topics, explaining things briefly, and listening. One difficult moment doesn’t have to define your conversational ability as a whole.
The next time you don’t know what to say, before trying to invent an entertaining topic from scratch, recall one thing the other person just said. Some conversations begin with a simple “Would you mind telling me a little more about that?”
References (2)
- Nielsen Norman Group, “The 90-9-1 Rule for Participation Inequality in Social Media and Online Communities.” An article about unequal levels of participation online. The ratios are approximate and aren’t a basis for classifying face-to-face conversational skills or personality. Read the article
- Freeman et al. (2014), “Active learning increases student performance in science, engineering, and mathematics.” A meta-analysis of undergraduate STEM teaching. It doesn’t establish the effectiveness of the specific conversational examples in this article. Read the paper
